Let me heal you
By the ache of my sullen flesh
Let me be the solace you find
When lightning shatters the fragile air
Betwixt heavy hours of the night
Feed me, gorge me on your warmth
Your clouds of breath in the still dawn
Plaintive echoes of a moonlit song
Tip your tears down my shuddering throat
I’ll lick the sulfur from your skin
Eager and horrible
Name me as you do the stars
Would that I could join them
In your beloved sky
Should She protest our love
I would know that my very creation was a lie
For never have I been more certain of God
Then in that sweet moment when I met your eyes
That crash of surety
Coalescing around bone-deep terror
Nothing purer than
My ravenous trust in you
Faith
A reckless conviction
Author’s Note:
I wrote this piece during a period of my life when I struggled with guilt, anxiety, and depression surrounding my sexuality. As much as I wanted to love who I was, others' ignorance and hatred twisted deep into my mind. The arguments that others used to justify their bigotry – arguments that I myself had started to believe – were mostly centered around religious constructs of morality. Throughout this poem, I confront false ideas about what is “sinful” in the eyes of God. I even deconstruct God as a consistently gendered being, imagining her to be a reflection of the complexity within myself.
Additionally, I attempt to capture the feeling of allowing myself to love freely, despite being frightened by the intensity of my emotions. It takes courage to describe the sensations of loving regardless of their palatability. In this way, I start to let go of my attachment to the judgment of others. Lastly, there is a great deal of contrast in the wording and imagery I use. The intention in juxtaposing love and religion, beauty and filth, generosity and greed, etc. was to proudly claim the duality of being. The title reflects this. I am a human creature, both bright and dark, and I welcome both parts of me. With these words in mind, I begin to love myself.
Carrie Rudel is in the midst of her early twenties and is pursuing a degree in queer and sexuality studies. She enjoys writing poetry, short stories, and acoustic music. She can often be found cooking way too much pasta or dancing barefoot in a parking lot at night.
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